How to be More Confident

Realise you’re already confident, and learn how to build confidence in new areas

Confidence – what is it? Really?

“The feeling that you can trust, believe in and be sure about the abilities or good qualities of somebody/something,” In this definition ‘somebody’ includes ourselves.  Another way of looking at it is “A belief and an assurance in one’s own abilities (self-confidence) or the abilities of another.”

Confidence gives us a boost, a positive attitude, and a perceived lack of it can severely impact our self-esteem, and even our ability to grow.

Lack of confidence can result in negative behaviours, not wanting to draw attention to ourselves, talking down our abilities “I’m useless at networking”, “I can’t do anything to do with numbers”, “I’m not cut out to be a manager”.  Many people associate confidence with an ability to speak in public – it’s one of the biggest fears we have.  We give up easily when faced with something we aren’t confident in and look on enviously at those who can easily do what we find difficult, or downright scary.

Trouble is, we also seem to concentrate our attention on the areas where we lack confidence.  If we don’t find something difficult, then we assume everyone finds it easy and therefore nothing special. Whereas if we struggle with something, we think anyone who doesn’t is confident.  What we are doing is seeing confidence in others and failing to see it in ourselves.

You are probably already a very confident person – you just don’t realise it because you take what you do confidently for granted.  It’s easy to illustrate.

When we are born we aren’t automatically bestowed with the ability to cross the road safely.  It’s learned through our early years, initially by accompanying others and learning the correct way to do it, and then by tentatively practicing until now we rarely think twice about it. We are confident in our ability to cross the road.

Some of us drive cars.  Again we weren’t born with the ability – we had to learn, and the more we practice the better and more confident we get. But not everyone is a confident driver. I know some drivers who hate doing a right turn (in the UK) because it is more difficult than turning left.  They will plan journeys to avoid a right turn!  Others avoid motorways. 

I lacked confidence when I learned to drive, I put off taking my test for months because I was convinced I wasn’t good enough to pass.  I didn’t trust my instructors when they told me I was ready.  It seems strange looking back on it now, as I consider myself a reasonably confident driver (moving a couple of hundred miles from family and having to do the long drive up and down the country to visit may have helped boost my confidence!).  However, I did eventually take my test and I passed – I just needed more practice than most to get to that level of confidence.

And that’s the point really, confidence isn’t something we’re born with.  It’s something that takes practice, and an understanding that although something is uncomfortable or difficult now, if we carry on we will eventually become confident.

Crossing the road is a dangerous activity – the consequences of person vs vehicle are not in the individuals favour.  Imagine if we gave up learning to cross the road because it was too difficult, the cars are too fast and noisy, thinking about all the ‘what ifs’ that could happen – ‘I might trip up in the middle of the road’, ‘a maniac driver will crash into me’, ‘the brakes will fail on a car going too fast’.  We’d be seriously restricting our ability to experience the wider world and rely heavily on others to get us around.

The more essential a skill is to daily life, the more likely we are to become confident in it – through necessity.  For those skills that are not so essential – at least from a day-to-day perspective e.g. speaking in public – we are more likely to give up on and tell ourselves we’re just no good, we’re not confident.

We focus on the consequences of not being good – “if I’m a poor public speaker people are going to laugh at me and I’ll be embarrassed”, if you think these consequences are bad consider those of not crossing the road well, which is something we have gained confidence in!

So, how do we get more confidence in those things that scare us – that we’ve told ourselves we’re not good at? Here’s some tips to help you build your self-confidence.

If you can’t do something, or you feel you’re not confident at something use the word ‘yet’ when thinking about it. If you continue to think more positively about it, it will become less daunting.

“I’m no good at public speaking – yet”

“I can’t bake a decent cake – yet”

“I don’t know how to manage people – yet”

Identify what you are already good at – this means you’re already confident – don’t take it for granted – celebrate it! If you want to, start with “I can cross the road”!

“I can make people laugh”

“I make a mean curry”

“I can calm people down when they are angry”

Ask other people what they think you are good at, or where you appear confident – you may be surprised and discover skills that you’ve taken for granted.

Think about what it is you want to be more confident in, it may be something you thought about above, something you’re not good at - yet      . Then think about the strengths, areas of confidence you’ve identified – are any of these a starting point for improving your confidence?

“Perhaps I can use humour when speaking in public”

“I already know a lot about preparing food”

“Calming people down is an important management skill”

Set yourself a small but achievable challenge and practice that before moving on to the next challenge.

“Think about and use a joke at the next team meeting”

“I’m going to bake some scones”

“Read and understand a book about managing conflict”

Be persistent, there will be failure and setbacks, it’s easy to give up but practice and self-discipline are the basis of achieving confidence.

“No one laughed!”

“I burned the scones”

“I didn’t understand everything in the book”

Once you have succeeded (which you will) set yourself another challenge

“Think of and ask a question at the next Dept. meeting”

“Make scones for local bake sale”

“Watch some YouTube videos on basic management skills”

Don’t compare yourself with others (if I’d done that I’d have given up learning to drive!). For some reason we only compare ourselves to others who can do what we can’t – we never compare ourselves to those with the same skills!! Even if you can’t resist comparison, remind yourself that they were once like you, and had to work hard to get their confidence.

Focus on the good things that happen, it’s tempting to focus on failure, or the bad things that happen.  Don’t overlook the positive, each time you try something you learn from the previous experience, remind yourself what went well.

Don’t look to be perfect!  Aim to be good enough for the situations you will be using your new skill in, most people won’t notice the difference between good enough and perfect.

Do you have any tips about becoming more confident?  I’d be interested to hear about them.