The First Thing to Ask When Someone’s Being ‘Difficult’…

Check this out before taking any other action!

One of the things I like most about myself is that I seem to be able to get on with just about anyone.  When I was younger I took it for granted that everyone else was the same as me – a common occurrence in children.  Only as I got older did I realise that not everyone has this skill.  Some people get wound up by other people’s appearance, their opinions (increasingly the case these days it seems!), but perhaps more relevant to the work environment, people’s behaviour, attitude, and actions. Whilst not all conflict is bad, debate and discussion of different ideas in a professional environment can be very productive, these difficulties can lead to bullying and harassment.

Given that in the UK it was estimated that workplace conflict cost the country £28.5bn in 2021, it’s a key area for managers to be aware of and be able to deal with.

It's very important that managers have the confidence and ability to deal with difficult people and situations, and are prepared to have difficult conversations to avoid unnecessary escalations.  But there is one consideration we need to be particularly careful of when we are directly affected by someone who is being ‘difficult’.

You know what I mean, there’s that one person on the team who annoys you - and sometimes they seem to antagonise others too.  You want to sort it out. It’s always tough dealing with difficult people, but before you take action there is one very important question to ask -

“Is it me?”

Not that we are being deliberately difficult, but if there’s something the other person is doing that rubs you up the wrong way – it might be the way you are reacting to that, rather than what they are doing.

It’s possible you are BOTH ‘a bit difficult’ – it might be mostly THEM, or it might be mostly YOU – and you can’t see it!  Most difficult people aren’t aware of the impact they’re having, which is another good reason to check if it’s you before you do anything!

So how can you find out if it is you?  What difficult habits or behaviour patterns might you be guilty of?  One way to find out is to ask other people, but be subtle about it. In your one-to-one meetings you could ask what you could do differently to be even easier to work with, and then listen very carefully to the answer!  If they say nothing, then either everything is ok from that individual’s point of view, or they are too scared to tell you what they really think.  Ask as many people as you can, not everyone will see you in the same light. Getting to the truth means you have to have strong trusting relationships so that others feel they can tell you what they really think, without any form of retribution.

However, if you have those strong relationships they may offer up some insights.  They could suggest that maybe you should sometimes take slightly longer to listen to them (which probably means they think you are a terrible listener!).  They may say that they aren’t always very sure about how well they are doing – which means you need to up your feedback game.  These are only two examples of what is a long list of possibilities.  Regardless, it should give you some useful information – especially if you are able to talk to the person you are having difficulties with.

Another clue that it might be you is if you have the same problem with more than one person. If you find yourself using words like ‘no-one’ or ‘everyone’ when referring to colleagues or other departments like ‘No-one in this organisation understands what it takes to….’ or ‘everyone here is so unorganised’.  Take some time to consider why you think this, not saying it isn’t true, but just check that it’s not you on a different wavelength to others. Also consider whether it’s the result of working for an organisation with values that don’t match your own.

In a way it’s great if it is you, and not the other person, because it’s much easier to change yourself! There are no awkward conversations (unless you talk to yourself) you just need to work on what it is that you need to change. 

If you can isolate a particular behaviour of someone that annoys you – ask yourself is it really them, or is it your expectations of how they should work?  Are they achieving their targets without impacting others (apart from you)?  Make sure it’s not your standards that are the issue, if this is the case then focus more on the fact that they are meeting goals rather than the behaviour.

It might be a bit of you and a bit of them. You may be aware that something you do contributes to the situation but think ‘Well, I could change, but they probably won’t, so why should I make the effort?’. So what?  If you make a change, whether the other person does or not it will improve the situation, and it’s possible that the other person will also make a small change – both compromising slightly to meet happily in the middle. 

For example if you work at quite a fast pace and someone annoys you because they are slow, maybe you can slow down a bit and also get them to give you a shorter summary and less detail?  Let them know it’s ok not to be perfect. It would also help the situation to understand why they work at a slower pace than you think they should.  Is it your standards/expectations? Are they uncertain about the process? Are there external factors affecting them?  Are they extremely cautious because of a previous experience where they were blamed for an error?  Digging a little deeper may reap significant rewards if you can then support them in addressing the underlying reasons.

Communication is often an issue.  If you don’t understand what the other person is going on about most of the time try and work out why. It’s quite possible your learning/communication styles aren’t similar.  You could ask them to use a different approach or use examples, perhaps you need to be a better listener! Years ago I had one manager who I could never fully understand.  They would ask me to do something, but I never fully understood the complete task.  I decided early on that I would concentrate on the first couple of elements of the task they gave me, complete those and go back to them, with the work I’d completed so far, and then ask them to clarify what I needed to do next.

By working out a solution in this situation it is likely that you will be able to improve your working with everyone else you deal with as well.

Sometimes we don’t get on with someone because they are different to us. We find it easier to get on with people who are similar to us.  ‘Difficult’ may really just be different and we need to accept that different is OK.  If you make sure you are respectful of everyone, regardless of their ‘sameness’ or ‘difference’ you will encourage openness and understanding - which may be all the situation needs.

Think about someone you find ‘difficult’ (most of us will have at least one person that rubs us up the wrong way) - based on what you know about them try and put yourself in their shoes - if you don’t know much about them then try and find out more. Their life experience could be quite different to yours - are you understanding?

Finally, is what makes them ‘difficult’ in your eyes actually a mirror of your poor skills?  Do you get annoyed with someone who won’t listen? Is this really you wanting to talk all the time?  Are you concerned that someone never seems interested in what’s being discussed? Is this because you haven’t created an environment that makes them feel safe enough to contribute?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s always you - and I’m not saying that you always need to change - but we all need consider our role in any difficult relationship - and identify what we can positively do about it before dealing with the other person.