20 Tips for Being Assertive and Not Aggressive
Definition of Assertive - having or showing a confident and forceful personality.
Assertiveness is an important success quality, and it doesn't come naturally to most. If you’re not careful it can become arrogance - getting the balance right is tricky.
Here are 20 important messages about assertiveness:
You can change if you want to – most of our behaviour comes from our attitudes and beliefs which we have collected over the years and are stored in our subconscious. We can choose to change our behaviour, and we can also (gradually) change our beliefs about the world and about ourselves.
Assertiveness is difficult because it goes against our natural instincts for fight or flight. We have to learn to make a conscious effort to overcome the adrenaline in our bodies and remain calm.
Perceived benefits of being aggressive or submissive are in fact incorrect. Aggressive people think that they will be respected and will get their way – not true in the long run. Submissive people think that they will be liked and will have an easy life – also not true.
Assertiveness requires a starting belief that you are OK - which you are! Your self worth should come from you, not from what other people think. Think to yourself “No-one else can push me into not being OK”.
Assertiveness means standing up for your rights, but also respecting the rights of others.
You have the right to be heard - persist if necessary. You’re not being rude. Don’t confuse the right to be heard with being right because you’ve been heard.
You have a right to say how you feel. And you don't have to justify why you feel a certain way.
Take responsibility for how you feel, what you do, and what happens to you. We teach others how to treat us. Lack of taking responsibility is at the root of all negative emotions.
Take responsibility for mistakes. It's OK to make them (the only way to never make a mistake is to never do anything, and making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person) but you must learn from them. Then let them go - they are in the past.
Your behaviour is controlled by your subconscious beliefs, or "scripts". You can change your scripts by what you say to yourself - keep it positive. Saying positive things about yourself repeatedly will gradually convince your subconscious that they are the case – anything you say regularly will become true.
You can change your behaviour, but only if you are aware of it. Practise detachment - observe yourself in situations: how did you do?
The other side of detachment is that other people are responsible for their own actions. Don't blame yourself for the actions that others have chosen to take.
Remain calm in situations where the other person is being aggressive. It's their problem not yours, so remember your rights, and take time to plan. Don't get respond with aggression.
Aggression isn’t just physical - it can be verbal intimidation, interrupting, invading someone's space, patronising, etc. If someone is using emotive words to attack you, pick them up on the words: "I agree that it was a mistake but I wouldn't say it was 'stupid'.”
Pick people up on aggressive body language - "I notice that you are doing xxx and I interpret this to mean yyy, am I right?" This will force them to put up or shut up.
When criticised, consider whether the other person may be right. If they are: learn from it and thank them. If they are not, you can choose between letting it go or challenging them - both are OK. If you’re unsure about what they are unhappy with, or if you are unsure whether they are right about it, ask them for more information.
Asking someone to change their personality is not feasible, - asking someone to change their behaviour CAN be effective.
Look out for Games Players - people who move between the role of Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. Playing psychological game is a way to undermine people - challenge this behaviour, ask them the reasons for their behaviour
Use the 4-step process to make your point - I understand (their position/feelings), I feel (or have felt, similar), I want (x to happen to and why), Is that OK? (clarity over how things are going to work going forward)
Wish you'd said something at the time? Don't worry - it's never too late to go back & be assertive. Plan it and then do it. Start off with something like “You know the other day when…”.
Don’t try to put all of this into action at once, pick a couple of habit changes that you think you can manage and use them. When you are happy that you are confident with those, try a few more - gradually build up your confidence and assertiveness.
Cheers,
