The First Thing to Ask When Dealing with a Difficult Person is…

There’s that one person on the team who annoys you - and seems to antagonise others too.  Let’s sort it out. It’s always tough dealing with difficult people, but before you take action there is one very important question to ask - “Is it me?”

You might find out that you are BOTH ‘a bit difficult’ – it might be mostly THEM, or it might be mostly YOU – and you can’t see it!  In all likelihood most difficult people probably aren’t aware they’re difficult, another reason to check if it’s you before you do anything!

So how can you find out if it’s you?  What difficult habits or behaviour patterns might you be guilty of?  Well one way to find out is to ask other people, just subtly, maybe ask them what you could do differently to be EVEN easier to work with, and then listen very carefully to the answer!  If they say you could MAYBE sometimes take SLIGHTLY longer to listen to them, then it means that you are probably a TERRIBLE listener!   Unless the answer is ‘nothing’ this could be very enlightening and have a huge effect on how successful you are in working with and managing people in future.

Another clue that it might be you is if you have the same problem with more than one person. If you find yourself using words like ‘no-one’ or ‘everyone’ when referring to colleagues or other departments like ‘No-one in this organisation understands what it takes to….’ or ‘everyone here is so unorganised’ consider why you think this, not saying it isn’t true, but just check that it’s not you on a different wavelength to others. 

In a way it’s great to realise that it’s you and not them because it’s much easier to change yourself than other people! There are no awkward conversations (unless you talk to yourself) you just need to work on what it is that you need to change. 

It might be a bit of you and a bit of them, but if you show your ability to change the other person is more likely to respond positively and you can meet in the middle. 

For example if you like to go fast and someone annoys you because they are SO SLOW, maybe YOU can slow down a bit but also get them to give you a shorter summary and less detail?  Let them know it’s ok not to be perfect.

Or maybe if you just don’t understand what they are going on about most of the time. You could ask them to use a different method (diagrams if appropriate) or use examples, perhaps you need to be a better listener.  By working out a solution in this situation it is likely that you will be able to improve your working with everyone else you deal with as well.

Is it because they are different to you? We find it easier to get on with people who are similar to us.  ‘Difficult’ may just be different and we need to accept that our view isn’t the only valid one.  If you make sure you are respectful of everyone, regardless of their ‘sameness’ or ‘difference’ you will encourage openness and understanding - which may be all the situation needs.

Think about someone you find ‘difficult’ (most of us will have at least one person that rubs us up the wrong way) - based on what you know about them try and put yourself in their shoes - if you don’t know much about them then try and find out more. Their life experience could be quite different to yours - are you understanding?

Finally, is what makes them ‘difficult’ in your eyes actually a mirror of your poor skills?  Do you get annoyed with someone who won’t listen? Is this really you wanting to talk all the time?  Are you concerned that someone never seems interested in what’s being discussed? Is this because you haven’t created an environment that makes them feel safe enough to contribute?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s always you - and I’m not saying that you always need to change - but we all need consider our role in any difficult relationship - and identify what we can positively do about it before dealing with the other person.