Handling Difficult Conversations

Perhaps the most daunting thing a manager has to do - but also one of the most important

Whether it’s giving negative feedback, turning down a holiday request, apologising for a mistake, addressing a bad attitude, dealing with personal problems, or tackling a complaint, having a difficult conversation is something we’d all much rather avoid! 

You never get used to them.  They are by their nature…well…difficult!  The mere thought of having such a conversation causes anxiety, even more so if you’re conflict averse. These conversations can be hard physically and emotionally.  Handle them wrongly and they can snowball into confrontation.

However, successful managers and leaders need to be able to handle these conversations confidently. So what can you do to successfully navigate these hazardous waters?

They’re never going to be fun!

It’s important to accept that having a difficult conversation with someone may get easier with practice, but it’s never going to be something that becomes enjoyable!

However, confidence and professionalism go a long way to reducing the anxiety and emotion for both parties.

Here are eight steps to guide you through..

Be Prompt

Whether a difficult question needs asking, or poor behaviour needs addressing don’t stew on it, or hope that by doing nothing the situation will put itself right.

Not dealing with poor behaviour promptly will effectively condone it. Delay can affect reputations and team moral. Lack of action can increase stress and anxiety, and the likelihood of escalation. However, a knee jerk reaction can also make the situation worse – it’s important to take time to prepare a response, but not too much!

Prepare

Preparation is a must.  It helps focus, and goes a long way to securing a positive outcome. First of all, check who’s the right person to have the conversation - is it line manager responsibility or someone else - HR for example? Check with HR about how to deal with the situation and be familiar with processes and procedures.

Establish facts, not hearsay or rumours, being able use evidence rather than opinion shows intention to be fair. If it’s not a line manager conversation pass the evidence to whoever is responsible for taking the issue forward.

Be clear about what needs addressing and why e.g. the impact it’s having on other people, and also what the desired outcome is.  Consider the other person’s possible reactions, is the behaviour out of character – could there be an underlying issue?

Think about what needs saying and how it should be said, keeping calm throughout the conversation is very important in order to avoid any escalation. Imagining being calm and collected increases the likelihood of it happening. Don’t create a script – it will be easy to get knocked off track if the conversation doesn’t go as planned and will seem less natural. Keep line management informed if necessary.

Always have the intention of being fair and unbiased and remember the other person’s actions and behaviour may be unintentional - keep an open mind.

Time and Place

Difficult conversations shouldn’t be held in public, and ideally the other person should receive some notice.  Don’t catch them unaware, give them notice of the meeting – but not too much so as to avoid stress. Choose a time and place where the conversation can take place privately, without interruption or distraction. If it can be avoided don’t use a scheduled 1-2-1 meeting, these should be associated with regular work catch ups and development – hijacking them for a difficult conversation can impact how these regular meetings are perceived going forward. Allow as much time as possible so that there is plenty of opportunity to discuss the issue fully. The meeting might need adjourning or putting on hold, take this into consideration.  Try setting up the room as informally as possible, put chairs next to each other, rather than either side of a desk.  Allow some breathing space at the end of the meeting before anyone is required to go back into an environment with other people. 

Structure

Part of the planning for the meeting should include how it should be structured.  If this is done in advance it will help keep the conversation on track and focused.

Introduction – it can help to start by saying this is going to be a difficult conversation – be open that it’s not expected to be easy for anyone.

Check in – is the other person ok, do they have any idea what the meeting is about.

Explanation – present the facts and impacts.

Opportunity to respond – allow the other person time to present their account.

Agree a way forward – work jointly to find a solution that everyone can agree is appropriate.

Clear and Specific

Throughout the conversation be clear about the issue and how it’s affecting others. Be assertive, dropping hints or hoping the other person will get the gist of what’s being discussed is unfair on them. It can be helpful when talking about the situation to ask how they would feel if they were in the other person’s shoes. Use observation language rather than blaming language e.g. ‘I notice…’ rather than ‘You have been…’. If something seems out of character, make sure there aren’t any new factors impacting their situation. If the conclusion of the meeting is that changes need to be made, be specific about the actions they must take. Remain calm, even if the other person gets emotional/angry, otherwise you could end up feeding off each other’s emotions.  Talk about the implications of lack of action.

Pay Attention

Listen to what the team member has to say and try to understand their perspective. Be aware of their body language, especially if it seems that they are closing themselves off. It is quite possible that the topic of discussion is a complete surprise, and they were unaware of the impacts of their behaviour. Ask open ended questions to encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings. Vary pace and tone and have a relax posture. Adjourn for a break if you think it will help. Don’t be provoked. If new relevant information comes to light during the conversation be prepared to adjourn to check things out.

Focus on Solutions

There should already be a desired outcome in mind before the meeting starts, if nothing comes to light during the conversation to change this then discuss the outcome, how it can be made to work and what timescale there should be to evidence change.  If through the conversation more relevant information comes to light, it may still be possible to agree a solution, taking into account the impact of the new evidence.  Ask the team member to identify solutions to the issue and develop a plan together.  It may be that following new information an adjournment is needed so that this can be taken into account. If an agreement is made clarify the implications of not sticking to it.

Follow Up

Follow up with the team member after the conversation and offer support.  Look to identify evidence of the required change. If the behaviour continues, you may need to escalate the issue to HR.

Difficult conversations are one of the hardest things a manager has to do, but being able to do so confidently is also one of the most important.  Not being able to deal with such situations can impact the morale and productivity of the team, and also the trust and respect that team members have for their manager.  Don’t put it off because it’s uncomfortable, and don’t struggle alone if it’s something new, approach a trusted colleague, discuss with line management or get support from HR.